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464 lines
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relationships
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7906978
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# The Inside Out Dating Guide 2 - 10 tips for a first date
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## The Inside Out Dating Guide: In a new monthly series, our relationships
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expert, Sarah Abell looks at issues to do with dating and offers her practical
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advice. In the second of the Inside Out Dating Guides she looks at what to do
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and what not to do on a first date.
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[![Sarah Abell][1]][2]
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By [Sarah Abell][3] 7:00AM BST 23 Jul 2010
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[Comments][4]
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A first date is loaded with expectancy - will she/he like me and will I like
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them? Is this person going to be the "One" or will I want to run for the hills
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before the starter? Will I do or say the right thing or will I totally
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embarrass myself? Will we get physical and if so, will there be any chemistry
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between us? Will we have anything to talk about and if not, how will we get
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through the evening?
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It is definitely possible to think too much about a first date. The key is to
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relax, enjoy yourself and not to analyse everything too much. Regardless of
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whether you hit it off, wouldn't it be great if you could both say that you
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had a good experience? So, how can you make sure that your first date is the
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best it can be (even if it turns out to be your only date together)? Here are
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some suggestions on what to do and what not to do.
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**Things to do:**
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**1. Chose the venue carefully**
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If you are doing the choosing, pick somewhere that you know your date will
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like. Just because you fancy the idea of eating a snake banquet, it doesn't
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mean that they will.
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A drink in a quiet bar, a quick supper or lunch in a little place you know are
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great ideas. The advantage of keeping the first date short and simple is that
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if you don't like each other, you haven't got to make it through a seven-
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course meal together. If you do like each other, you can either extend the
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date, or plan a longer one for next time. It is always better to leave wanting
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more.
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## Related Articles
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* [Ending a relationship that isn't working][5]
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23 Jun 2010
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* [The Inside Out Dating Guide 4 - The best places to meet Mr or Ms
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Right.][6]
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04 Nov 2010
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* [The Inside Out Dating Guide 3 - How to start dating again][7]
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15 Sep 2010
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* [Why does my boyfriend want to go on holiday without me?][8]
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21 Jul 2010
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* [To divorce or not to divorce?][9]
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18 Jul 2010
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* [How do I stop myself making social gaffes?][10]
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08 Jul 2010
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Try and avoid very noisy places (where you can't hear each other), cinemas
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(where you can't talk), sporting events (unless you know for a fact that they
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are interested), or your home (because it could be risky if you don't know
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them).
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If you already know the person and are pretty certain that you both like each
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other then by all means go for the big romantic gesture. But remember it is
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possible to overdo things. My husband turned up for our second date with a
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bottle of wine, flowers and a box of chocolate biscuits, but soon realised he
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only had two hands and decided to leave the biscuits in the car!
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**2. Make an effort**
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Do put your best food forward. Make an effort with your appearance - but not
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so much of an effort that your date wouldn't recognise you if they bumped into
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you in the street the next day.
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Making an effort shows that you care and that you want to make a good
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impression. Unwashed hair, bad hygiene and yesterday's clothes aren't likely
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to win anyone over.
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And don't overdue the alcohol - especially if you have a tendency to become
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boorish, rude, indiscreet, lecherous, violent or sick when intoxicated.
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**3. Be kind**
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Whether you are attracted to the person or not - be kind. It doesn't cost you
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anything, and it will make a big difference to the other person's enjoyment of
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the date.
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I have two American friends, Jack and Susan. Early on in their relationship
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Jack said something like this to Susan: 'I don't know if we'll get married in
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the future but I want to treat you so well that if we split up one day and you
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end up marrying someone else - I would be able to look the other guy in the
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eye, shake his hand and say: "Here is Susan, I looked after her for you."'
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They did end up marrying each other but I thought that was an amazing thing to
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say. I'm not suggesting you say that on the first date. But wouldn't it be
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fantastic if people were better off in life from having spent time with you,
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not worse off? That means being kind and considerate and treating your date as
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you would like to be treated yourself.
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Being kind also means not lying or giving false hope. Don't tell someone that
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you will phone and that you can't wait to see them again, if you have no
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intention of following through.
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**4. Leave your emotional baggage at home**
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If you have a huge line in exes, a past addiction to therapy and you still
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can't forgive your Dad for missing your sports' day when you were five, keep
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it to yourself on your first date. Too much emotional baggage, too soon, is
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never attractive. If you end up in a relationship - you'll have plenty of
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opportunity to air your past sexual history, your hang-ups and all your past
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regrets and mistakes.
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A first date, like a first interview, is the time to emphasise your best
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points not to draw attention to your weaknesses.
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However, if your date asks you a direct question, such as, "Have you ever been
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married?" (or even "Are you married?") then of course give the true answer.
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**5. Be yourself**
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Let the other person see the real you. A first date is not the time to try out
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being the person you'd like to be, or the person you think your date would
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like you to be. After all, you don't want them falling in love with a false
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version of you. You want someone who likes you for all you are, with your good
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bits, your not so good bits, your little quirky bits and all the things in
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between that make you, you.
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**Things not to do: **
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**6. Don't dominate the conversation**
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If you do all the talking - especially about yourself - it will give the
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impression that you aren't interested in your date. The other person will feel
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flattered and special if you take the time to listen to them, ask them
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questions and draw them out.
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I'm not suggesting that you don't talk about yourself. It is important that
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the other person has a chance to learn about you, but try and make sure that
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you are listening as much - or more - than you are talking.
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**7. Don't forget your manners**
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Bad manners aren't attractive and are likely to irritate your date. Make sure
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you turn up on time and if you are going to be late for any reason, let them
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know. Turn off your phone (or put it on silent if you are expecting an urgent
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call) and remember to say "thank you" if the other person is footing the bill.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat the waiters or waitresses
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and how they react if things don't go their way in a traffic jam or a queue.
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So don't just be polite to your date, be kind to other people too. It will
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reflect well on you.
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**8. Don't pretend to be anything you're not**
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In an attempt to impress, it can be tempting to exaggerate, dress up the truth
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or just plain lie. You may get away with that if you don't see them again
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after the first date but if the relationship does last any longer, you may
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find yourself in a tricky situation later down the line.
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So, if you are separated, don't say you are divorced. If you hate football
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don't say that you can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon,
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than cheering on Bristol City. And if you work part-time in a call centre -
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don't say you're something big in communications. Stick with the truth and it
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will be a lot easier to remember what you said on future dates.
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**9. Don't make an instant judgement**
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Many of us make up our minds as to whether we like someone in the first few
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seconds or minutes of meeting. But our first impressions can be misleading.
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Try not to rule people out straight away. Instead, spend some time getting to
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know them. If you're not sure about someone, it may take two or three dates
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before you can really decide.
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Try not to be too quick to judge or too fussy or rigid about what you are
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looking for in a potential partner. I nearly ditched my gorgeous husband on
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the second date because he was wearing a tight polyester sports top and I'm
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not a great fan of man-made fibres (apparently I wasn't meant to see it, but
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he got too hot under his thick jumper). If you get too restrictive about what
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you are looking for or if you make up your mind about someone too quickly -
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you will risk missing out.
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**10. Don't rush things**
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Take time to get to know the other person before getting too emotionally or
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physically involved with them. Sex is a powerful bonder and if you sleep
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together on the first date it may blind you to any fundamental problems
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between you. It helps if you can establish that there's more to the
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relationship than just chemistry before ripping off each other's clothes. We
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all know people who have had a passionate affair with someone only to "wake
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up" two months later and realise that they don't even like the person and that
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they have nothing in common with them.
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Equally, don't get too emotionally involved too quickly. Saying "I love you"
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on the first date isn't romantic - it's a bit creepy (unless you've known them
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a long time).
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If you are reading this and have a story of a first date or any tips on what
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to do or not on the first meeting, please do include them in the comments
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section below. It would be great to hear about your experiences.
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*_Next month I'll be looking at how to start dating again if you are recently
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single. If you have a relevant story or advice that you would like to share
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with other readers then please do email me at
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[sarah.abell@telegraph.co.uk][11]. Also if you have a dating topic that you
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would like discussed in the series, then do let me know and I will do my best
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to cover it._
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[X][12] Share & bookmark
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Digg Fark LinkedIn Google Buzz StumbleUpon Y! Buzz
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[What are these?][13]
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* Share: [Share][12] [ ][14] [ ][15]
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[Tweet][16]
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http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/7906978/The-Inside-Out-Dating-
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Guide-2-10-tips-for-a-first-date.html
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Telegraph
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## [Relationships][17]
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* ### [Lifestyle »][18]
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* ### [Health »][19]
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* ### [Men's Health »][20]
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* ### [Women's Health »][21]
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* ### [Wellbeing »][22]
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[![Telegraph Dating][23]][24]
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### [Telegraph Dating][24]
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In relationships
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[![Sarah Abell][25]][2]
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### [Sarah Abell: our relationships expert][2]
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[![A Beluga whale called Xiaoqiang delivers a red rose to its partner Xiaoxin
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at Qingdao Polar Ocean World in Qingdao, Shandong Province, China][26] ][27]
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### [Happy Valentine's Day][27]
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[![Divorce is an admission of failure and potentially wasted years][28] ][29]
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### [Why we decided to get 'undivorced'][29]
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[![Vicki and Octavia-Vicki and Octavia][30] ][31]
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### [My neighbour's cat keeps eating all my cats' food][31]
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[![Graham Norton's problem page][32] ][33]
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### [Graham Norton's problem page][33]
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[X][12] Share & bookmark
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Delicious Facebook Google Messenger Reddit Twitter
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Digg Fark LinkedIn Google Buzz StumbleUpon Y! Buzz
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[What are these?][13]
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Share:
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* [ ][12]
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* [ ][14]
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* [ ][15]
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* [Tweet][16]
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* Advertisement
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![][34]
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telegraphuk
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Please enable JavaScript to view the [comments powered by Disqus.][35] [blog
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comments powered by Disqus][36]
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Advertisement
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[Telegraph Dating][37]
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* [Men][38]
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* [Women][39]
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[Search more Kindred Spirits][37]
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I am a:
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Woman Man
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Looking for:
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Women Men Men & Women
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Aged:
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Within:
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Telegraph Announcements
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* [Engagements][47]
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* [Births][48]
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* [Anniversaries][49]
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Loading
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[Place an engagement announcement][50]
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Warwickshire, and Hannah, elder daughter of Dr..."; var link =
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"http://announcements.telegraph.co.uk/engagements/133855/mr-l.p.-alderson-
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"http://announcements.telegraph.co.uk/engagements/133868/mr-j.d.-herbert-and-
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House, of Hatfield, Hertfordshire, and Alice,..."; var link =
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"http://announcements.telegraph.co.uk/engagements/133875/capt-j.d.-house-and-
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Coney"; var description = "The engagement is announced between Mathew, elder
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"http://announcements.telegraph.co.uk/engagements/133915/mr-m.-coleman-and-
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"http://announcements.telegraph.co.uk/engagements/133821/mr-j.h.-amar-and-
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